🪞[Editor’s Note]
This article talks about the ‘aggression’ that counselors cultivate in their clients and welcome with open arms.
It may be easy to express praise, gratitude, and dependence, but difficult to express anger and disappointment in the face of a counselor whom you have carefully screened for receiving your respect and trust. Just think what a horrific story it would be if it took you years to finally work up the courage to express precious aggression to a counselor, and they broke down, retaliated, or abandoned you…
The text below depicts the journey of a visitor’s mind to fix her aggression.[Translated text from two images in original post]
If my aggression in the consulting room is just a small flame that keeps popping up, then the battle outside the consulting room, in real life, is much more intense, like a raging fire, with people singing and crying, and feeling like the world is falling apart. I still remember the first time I turned into a shrew. I jumped up and cursed on the street in the early morning because of some unfair treatment, causing the people riding electric scooters around me to turn their heads and me to look at them fiercely. I also had conflicts with teammates that made me feel as if my body was not under my control. The furious fire made me fearless, from a person who only dared to cry silently I became a fighter who began to rise up and resist. Once aggression grows in the counseling room, the self will no longer allow itself to be suppressed, and will naturally resist in the face of intrusion, accusations and harm.
Of course, I still had concerns. Will my anger hurt my family? Will it cause me to lose my relationship? The counselor said: “You did a good job! Even if you don’t consciously express your anger, it will be expressed through various channels. So, when you vent your anger, how do you feel?” I replied: “I feel full of strength and no longer afraid. It’s very good!” Indeed, my important relationships did not break down because of my anger, I maintained my boundaries, and others respected me more because of it. After burning inside for nearly three or four years, the flame of my anger began to take a turn for the better. It could be retracted or released, like a loyal guard, it could lie dormant or protect.
[Original Post]
⚫ Visitors often find that the counselor can’t hold their attacks when counseling has reached a certain depth. After one or two years of counseling, the visitor has developed a certain attachment to the counselor.
⚪This is the critical time to test the counselor-visitor relationship. Whether the counselor can hold the visitor’s aggression becomes the key to whether the relationship can be deepened, and even whether it can continue.
Once the counselor fails to do this, whether to stay or to leave the therapy is a dilemma left to the visitor. There is not much worth left in staying, but it is a pity to leave, which may also cause the secondary trauma of separation.
⚫ What might a counselor’s inability to hold a visitor’s aggression look like?
1️⃣Counselor shows vulnerability, eyes convey fear and fragility, expression is tense, body stiffens and/or makes small movements, bites lips, or expresses directly to the visitor: ”Your aggression is hurting me”
2️⃣ Begins to be aggressive, accuses the visitor of violating boundaries, accuses the visitor of having a low personality, accuses the visitor of not being reflective
3️⃣ Invisible aggressive/defensive postures such as clasping hands to chest, backing away physically, repeating rules and settings such as no tardiness, no contact outside of consulting room, diagnosing and labeling visitor, stating that it’s not my problem
4️⃣ Direct apologies, not judging the state of the visitor, not giving space for the visitor to express themselves. Wanting a direct apology for the visitor’s attack can also be a sign of withdrawal and avoidance on the part of the counselor.
⚪ What should I do if my counselor can’t hold my aggression?
It is true that working through aggression is the way to make counseling go deeper, towards using it for self-growth. When you attack them and they can’t hold it, honestly tell the counselor what you are thinking and feeling. The counselor can go to a supervisor, and can repair their own issues. There can also be sincere communication, apologies, and even referrals if necessary.
In fact, counselors are also human beings, and those who have completely repaired all their problems may not exist. If you give each other some space to continue to express and go deeper, that relationship may be able to continue and overcome the darkness.
⚫ A counseling relationship is also a relationship, it depends on whether you are willing to give each other, but also yourself another chance.
Of course, if it really doesn’t work out, remember to vote with your feet. Because Mom and Dad can’t be exchanged, but your counselor can be chosen.
Original Author: Zen Psychology Mai Guo
See Ding, seeding 