Terminology：
- Poly, polyamory, polyamorous: The practice of loving multiple people and maintaining deep, meaningful partnerships, richer and more connected than what’s often referred to as an “open relationship,” which usually emphasizes physical intimacy outside of a primary partnership.
- Mono, monogamy, monogamous: Exclusive one-on-one relationships.
- Lover: Typically someone in a more casual relationship with another.
- Partner: In this context, someone with whom you share a committed romantic relationship.
Me: How did you convince your partner to embrace polyamory?
R (who knows a bit about Chinese culture): There wasn’t much “convincing,” honestly. Here in the Netherlands, relationships are approached with a lot of independence. Many people in our generation don’t even marry, even if they have kids. Personally, I believe in the freedom of identity and will. I rarely think about “one partner for life” or that “you belong to me.” We don’t try to possess each other like that.
Me: That makes me think of the documentary about the Mosuo matriarchal society in Yunnan, China.
J: My partner and I still spend a lot of time discussing our relationship. There are some “administrative tasks” we need to handle.
Me: Administrative tasks? Like what?
J: It’s all about making sure we’re on the same page—setting up a clear code of conduct. Basically, it boils down to one agreement (informed consent from everyone involved) and one belief (the connection between people A and B won’t affect the connection between people A and C).
Me: That sounds like something straight out of the “Three-Body Problem” universe — some sort of sociological axiom!
R: Exactly! Informed consent is key. It’s not about forcing things or pretending. We have to talk openly about what’s going on, rather than hide or repress it.
M: Otherwise, it’s just cheating.
R: (laughing, using a Chinese expression) Yeah, otherwise, you’re putting a green hat on someone.
Me: Speaking of green hats — how do you personally come to terms with your partner being in love with someone else? I was raised to believe love is meant to be exclusive.
J: Some people simply need multiple partners, like me. For me, it’s normal that my partner also has other partners. Then, of course, there are people who prefer monogamy.
R: And there are also people who are poly themselves but can’t accept their partner doing the same.
D: My girlfriend and I have an arrangement where I can sleep with others, but only with her approval. She has to screen and give her consent. For her, though, I’m the only partner she wants.
J: Personally, I feel most at ease when both partners in a relationship are practicing polyamory. But if everyone in a mono-poly relationship is on board and consents, why not?
The names used in this dialogue are pseudonyms, and all content has been shared with the participants’ permission.
See Ding, seeding 