Q:
Hello, I have been with my girlfriend for two months (we’re both girls), and we are now in a long-distance relationship. We confirmed our relationship on the first meeting and slept together (it’s her first time, I have done it before), but the experience was not very good for both of us.
I talked about it with my girlfriend tonight, and she said she doesn’t like to be touched down there. Is this because she doesn’t like me, so she doesn’t have sexual desires with me? I asked her this question, and she said that she might need to explore slowly.
A1:
From my point of view, it is necessary to be careful in drawing conclusions and not misinterpret answers that are not related to the feelings shared.
It is preferable to avoid confusing sexuality, sexual practice and orientation and feelings. Particularly when it comes to discovering sexuality with a person of the same sex. It is understandable that the step was a little high. First homosexual intercourse in a new relationship. All this speaks of your partner’s ability to invest in sexuality between women with practices including the genitals.
What your partner says is that she wants to go at her own pace.
It can be understood then a desire to continue this project together and simply to want to go there in stages.
I would suggest talking about it simply and setting a framework for future meetings in order to bring security and relaxation to your partner so that you can develop a harmonious sexuality within your relationship and be able to explore gradually. Progressiveness and the ability to take into account this need in your partner will be a guarantee of sexual fulfillment for the relationship.
Alexis Desjardins
Sex Therapist
A2:
I really appreciate the point Alexis made: sexuality, sexual practice and orientation and feelings are three distinct aspects. Sex isn’t something we are born knowing how to do—it’s learned, both actively and passively, through social influences. Just think about how sex is portrayed in books and movies we watch. Unfortunately, many of us grow up without any templates for same-sex intimacy. So, it’s completely normal to feel “I don’t know how to have lesbian sex” or awkward during the first time—because there’s neither prior learning nor practice to rely on. 🙂
Another possibility I’d like to raise is asexuality. Since mainstream narratives often assume that “love lies in love making,” asexual individuals may feel obligated to engage in sexual activities within a relationship, even if they have little or no sexual desire. This pressure can cast a shadow over an act that is already just “optional” for them, making it even harder to enjoy. It’s important for both asexual people and their partners to recognize that no sex does not mean no love.
Of course, these are just hypotheses based on very limited information from you. If you and your partner need further support, you might consider reaching out to a (sex) therapist. Good luck!
Cheryl Ding
Psychological Counsellor
We all have a lot of questions.
Broad question: “Do transgender people have particular difficulties with sex?”
Personal question: “I haven’t given birth yet and I already can’t hold my pee, am I the only one?”
Relationship question: “I’ve been with my partner for a while now and our sex life has decreased in quality, what can we do to improve our relationship?”
And a lot of times, this is how our conversations open up:
“Hi, I have a friend who wants to ask you …”
It is a great invention; without this friend, we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
Let’s honor this great friend with a column; we can’t live without them 🙂
I will post questions and my answers in this column (anonymized, obfuscated and redacted, with the asker’s permission) , and sometimes invite colleagues and friends in related fields to answer (e.g. other counselors, sex therapists, academics, lawyers, etc.). Rather than a Q&A, it’s more like a record of our conversations.
I hope this friend can inspire you too!
See Ding, seeding 